


Lost Loves

by NeonDomino



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Breaking up to protect someone, Distrust, Everyone Needs A Hug, James Potter Being an Asshole, James Potter Being an Idiot, M/M, Presumed Dead, Remus Lupin Needs a Hug, Running Away, Sirius Black Being an Idiot
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:54:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,591
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25602409
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonDomino/pseuds/NeonDomino
Summary: James thinks it's safer to end things with Lily. If they aren't together, than he can move her somewhere safe without her arguing to stay with him. But it doesn't go as planned, as Remus decides to take Lily himself and keep her and her baby safe. A baby that James doesn't know about.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 15





	Lost Loves

**Author's Note:**

> **Chapter 1 written in 2014. I will be writing more for this once I work out a plan.**  
> 

* * *

Sirius watches as his best friend paces the room. He's never seen James look so broken, so lost before. His friend looks destroyed. But Sirius has no words to offer because no matter how bad James looks, he knows that it's going to get a lot worse. James is scared, he's scared for all of them and he's scared for Lily and they're both scared for Remus and they're both so lost. James' hair is flat because he's run his hands over it so many times in his frustration. 

"Look, all I'm saying that this war is getting too much for her. How can I focus on helping win when I'm worrying about Lily being safe? She's a massive target," James says. He pacing urgently and a pacing James is not good. James doesn't usually pace, but he can't stop moving. Sirius knows that James has started being overly reckless in his attempts to ensure her safety. He's scared that James will get himself killed.

"Isn't she safer here with us, rather then sending her into hiding? We can keep her safe, Prongs," Sirius argues. He watches his friend and can see this is an argument he's going to lose. James' mind is made up.

"No. She won't stay in the headquarters, and we've defied him twice." James fixes Sirius with an urgent, desperate look before he resumes the pacing. "We have targets on our heads, and so do you... You could go into hiding with her?"

"I can't," Sirius replies quietly. "I'm needed here, James." His thoughts turn to Remus once more and the many discussions the pair have had in regards to their friend and James nods slightly as though he knows what's going through Sirius' mind. He probably does. "But leaving her? I mean... are you sure you can do that? The war could last years. She could be married and have a family by the time this is over. Then she's gone forever."

"I want to be with her more than anything, but do you think she'll leave if she thinks that we have a future together? I spent years chasing her. I love her more than anything, and if keeping her safe means telling her I don't want her... well, it's best that I do to keep her alive. I would do anything to keep her safe, alive. I'd die to do just that, but if I die, then... then I can't protect her. If I die, she'll blame herself for not protecting me. There is no way that this can end happily, not with the war on the horizon. There has to be a sacrifice, and this has to be it."

"If you're sure," Sirius mutters. "I wish I could tell you something different, mate, but... I've got nothing." He hesitates. "Maybe we can convince Remus to go into a safe-house with Lily?"

"Sirius," James murmurs. "We don't know..."

"If he's the spy," Sirius finishes weakly. His hands clench and he can feel his nails pierce his skin. Not his Remus. He doesn't care that the evidence is there. He can't bring himself to believe it. If Remus _has_ done something bad, it'd be because he was forced to, because his Remus would never willingly become a Death Eater or work for the other side. 

"We tell no-one about this. Not the order - not anyone - that the break-up is fake," James pushes, quickly moving past the fact that they both have doubts about Remus.

"Agreed," Sirius sighs.

"Not even Peter or Remus. One wrong comment, or emotion could let people realise this isn't real," James decides. "Let everyone believe that me and Lily are finished. It's going to hurt us all, but... but..." he looks at Sirius with a hint of desperation as though Sirius is going to be able to suddenly produce a plan that can prevent this.

Sirius shakes his head miserably. "And... and Remus?"

"We'll get Lily out of here and focus our attention on him," James decides. "I don't know what our chances are in winning this war, Sirius, but we can do our best to protect those we love."

* * *

"I don't want to be with you anymore."

Lily stares at him in shock. Was this a prank? One of his insane jokes that only James and Sirius thought were funny?

She studied him, looking for any emotion to show he's joking, but he looks utterly serious. Not a trace of a grin on his lips. He's telling the truth. He wants to end it.

Lily can't believe it. She hadn't seen this coming. There was nothing to tell her that anything was wrong. But she can't bring herself to believe him.

"Why?" she asks.

"Because things have changed, Lily. It's just not working." James sounds tired, even slightly annoyed. Lily doesn't know what to make of this situation. Things have been so good between them. They are _happy._

"I won't accept that," Lily says, somewhat shakily. "Unless you give me an honest reason, I won't believe you." She crosses her arms, trying to steady herself.

James hesitates. His last resort. He has to remain obstinate on the matter. He has to push her as far away as possible, because he knows she'd talk him around otherwise. He never wanted to say this to her, but he feels he has to be cruel in order to save her life. Lily can hide in the Muggle world, James has to fight. Lily has a chance of surviving this, and that reminder is what pushes him to say the words.

"It was fun when you weren't interested, just a challenge, Lily. I wanted what I couldn't have... but now I have you, I realise that I don't love you. I don't think I ever did."

Lily sways on the spot for a moment, before she rushes from the room.

As she leaves, James watches sadly after her. He'd explain to her later that he has a house set up and he has already transferred gold into her account.

He pays no attention to Remus advancing on him, until a fist connects with his face with more power than he expects from Remus. Still, he stays on the floor. Remus knows nothing about the plan, and that was to be expected. He hadn't expected Remus to punch him, but James knows he deserves it.

"How dare you, and in front of everyone too," Remus murmurs, gesturing to the rest of the people who were gathering for the Order meeting. The others who were staring at them, not even trying to hide that they're watching this.

James watches Remus storm from the room, wishing he could tell him. Remus would never let on about it... but he wasn't sure if Remus could be trusted. These times, people did some dark things to keep their loved ones safe, and he didn't know how dark Remus' actions actually were, as he wouldn't tell them what exactly had him disappearing all of the time. Sirius moves forward and offers James a hand up, and Peter's watching everything with wide eyes.

He'd let Lily have a cry for a bit, and then send Sirius up to bring her to her new life. One he might not ever be able to be a part of.

But at least she'd be safe, and maybe one day, when the war was over... he can find her and explain and grovel and beg forgiveness.

* * *

Remus pulls down the wards on the room and follows Lily in. He takes a moment, watching as she haphazardly tosses clothes into a suitcase. "Whatever you say isn't going to convince me," she starts, noticing him. "I can't stay, Remus. I have to leave. I can't bear to... to look at him. I can't... I can't do this. Just let me have a head start at least, just let me leave with... well, not dignity because that was embarrassing as hell, but just please give me a head start before you tell people I'm gone."

Remus sighs. He thinks about the friendships he has, and Lily is a big part of that. James and the others don't trust him and they certainly don't believe him. He's not stupid, he knows what the others all whisper in the Order and he's been waiting for the day when he's told to leave - he's waiting for them to turn on him completely. They all think he's the traitor, and it hurts every moment that his friends look at him as though trying to work out if there's truth to that.

Lily's always defended him and now she needs him. His other friends don't, but she does. And he knows what he has to do, even though the idea of walking away from his three best friends makes him feel ill. Even though walking away from Sirius Black is a painful thing.

"I'm supposed to leave for a mission tonight," he admits quietly, causing Lily to pause. Remus rarely tells them anything until he's out of the door - it's easier that way, to avoid the constant questions. He doesn't have to listen to suspicious words. "Dumbledore has me going to visit the packs and try to convince them to join us. None of them will, but I still keep trying. It's hopeless and each time I leave, everyone is that little bit more convinced... that I'm the traitor. It's a waste of time when I could be fighting properly. The only person who trusts me is you." 

"No, James and Sirius -" Lily begins.

"Think I'm the spy," Remus says tiredly. Of course Lily would still insist, even though James has hurt her. Maybe it's her trying to tell Remus that he's not alone. "I don't blame them, had I been in their shoes... maybe I'd think the same. But it hurts - I would willingly die for my friends, but they think of me and see a coward that'd run to you-know-who with information that could hurt the only people in my life that love and accept me. I won't tell James you're leaving."

"Thank you," she says. "For what it's worth, I never thought you are the spy."

"And that's why I'm going to help you," Remus replies. "I can't do this anymore. Each time I go in, I could die and for what? Not one wolf will assist me or even consider our side. But I can keep _you_ safe."

"Remus..."

"Let me take you somewhere safe," Remus insists. "I'll leave for my assignment, and you'll be waiting at the door under the cloak. We leave together, and I'll keep you safe. Both of you."

"Both of us?" Lily clutches one of her tops in her hands, eyes wide. "What do you... how do you...?"

"It's a Werewolf thing, I know you have a baby, and you're my family, Lily. My need to keep you safe right now tops everything, because I have nothing else. You have probably about half an hour, because someone will come up to see you. Reset the wards on the room afterwards, and stay under the cloak."

Lily nods, throwing everything into the suitcase once more as Remus leaves. He hears her setting the wards, and he heads towards his own room. The small single at the end. No-one wants to share with the traitorous Werewolf after all. Not even Sirius, who had once promised to accept him no matter what.

He has no reason to stay anymore. Despite everything, it still hurts to leave his friends.

* * *

Remus walks to the door of the living room.

"Mission?" Sirius asks, and Remus gives a curt nod, his eyes flicking around the room to land on James. He struggles to bring himself to look at the pure-blood that he'd willingly throw himself in front of a curse for. He saw the look on Sirius' face as James said the words. No shock, no remorse. He looked like it meant nothing. Lily was part of their family, and Sirius just doesn't give a shit.

Just like Sirius clearly doesn't give a shit about him. Just like Sirius only gives a shit about his best friend. Clearly.

Well, they're welcome to each other. Remus is done. He's done with these feelings for Sirius, he's done with the people who don't trust him, don't want him around. There's only so much he can give.

His eyes meet James', who stares back, emotionless. His gaze moves to a nervous looking Peter, and he finds that he couldn't resist it as his eyes fell on a suspicious looking Sirius. He can't help the anger in his own eyes as he observes his three friends. Three men who mistrust him when he'd do anything for them. Three men who don't give a crap about Lily Evans. A couple of days ago she was planning her wedding to James, the plans were almost done, and then suddenly things were over.

"Remus, how is she?" Sirius asks as he turned to leave.

Remus ignores the question. He can't bring himself to say goodbye either. He knows he'll see them again. Maybe when the baby grows up and turns eleven, and at Hogwarts... when they'd come back into the Wizarding World... but they'll think about that in the future. They will hate him, but in almost twelve years, that won't matter. Because at least Remus does the right thing.

Lily needs him more than they ever did. Lily cares more than his friends. Lily trusts him.

Remus walks to the front door, opening it wide before turning to look up the hall again. He feels Lily brush against him, and his friends are watching him, a clear view from the living room to the front door. Maybe he was acting suspiciously, but he didn't care. Sirius looks like he's about to stand up and run over, but James' hand rests on Sirius' arm and Sirius settles back in the chair, his mouth moving into a thin line.

Let them believe what they want.

He closes the door behind him, and feels a hand in his own clammy hand. He can't believe he is doing this.

He apparates them both into Central London. They hurry into the nearest train station. He doesn't want them to be tracked by Death Eaters, and they'd be easier to lose in the Underground. He doesn't want anyone to be able to follow them at all.

* * *

Three train-rides later, and they're outside London. Remus walks up to a door, and waved his wand, quickly undoing the wards.

"We'll be safe here," he promises, resetting them after they enter the house.

Lily looks around. "It's nice," she comments. She touches the dusty table. "Safe house?"

Remus shakes his head. "Well, sort of," he replies. "It was my parents, but they didn't live here under their real names. Before my dad passed, Greyback made threats against them so they moved under different names. It was safe for them, so it'll be safe for us."

"Okay, so our story?" Lily says, slumping against the wall.

"I don't know," Remus admits. "Maybe we're their son and daughter-in-law, or you're my cousin? The house was left to us, but we've only just decided to move in. The neighbours should recognise me."

"That should work," Lily whispers, the weight of everything that has happened that day hitting her hard. "Where's your mum?"

"She lives a bus ride away. She gave this place to me because it reminds her off my dad. It's perfect for our family. We'll manage, Lily," Remus insists. He sounds confident, but on the inside, he's not in the slightest.

* * *

_Remus isn't quite sure how to cope with the situation. He's never been around a pregnant woman before and Lily is a very upset pregnant woman. For the first two months, almost everything reduces her to tears. She'll only fall asleep if he was there, stroking her hair until she was down, before returning to his own room. Remus handles everything. He signs them up for the doctors, and arranges Lily's appointments. He attends all her scans with her._

_And throughout the first four months, they sit on the pile of gold in the account, wondering what to do with it. This was the rest of their lives they were thinking about, and Remus wouldn't allow Lily to send it back to James._

_He reasons that even if James wasn't in the picture, he should still contribute towards his child._

_He tries not to think about his friends, James and Peter. He lies in bed, alone, dreaming of dark hair and grey eyes and feels empty at what he's walked away from. But he reminds himself just why he did it._

* * *

"Remus was hiding something," Sirius says, a few seconds after the door closed.

"Isn't he always hiding something?" Peter asks.

Sirius frowns, annoyed. He hates all these little snide comments that Peter always makes, but he holds his tongue. The last thing Remus would want is them to fight, which is the only reason why he doesn't snap back. 

"I agree," James says. "There was something up. I... even when you pulled that prank, Sirius... he never looked like that. Never that angry, and he was furious at you. Didn't even speak to you for a month, and it took him a year to even forgive you."

Sirius sighs. He saw the look too. The anger behind his best friend's eyes. The disappointment they held. He needs a distraction because seeing Remus looking at him like that again, it hurt so much. He can't even imagine how to begin earning back Remus' trust, or earning his forgiveness.

"I'll check if Lily is still crying, maybe help her bring her things to a new room?" Sirius suggests, standing up, needing a distraction.

His gaze meets James', who nods and shrugs as though he doesn't care. Peter and a couple of other order members are in the room and no-one is supposed to know the truth, though his eyes follow Sirius as he walks to the door and disappears up the stairs.

A couple of minutes later, Sirius is back down again. He nods to James urgently, letting him know that he needs to follow.

"Lily's gone," he says quietly, once they're in the kitchen. He holds out her engagement ring. "Clothes are gone, drawers are empty. She left this."

"No," James panics. "She wasn't supposed to disappear like this. I thought she'd go with you somewhere safe, and you'd be able to visit her, keep her safe if her wards went off."

"What now?" Sirius asks.

"If we leave to find her, it breaks my plan."

"Then what?" Sirius pushes.

"You go after her, you can say you were worried about her. I'll stay here and pretend that I don't give a shit. It's our best bet."

Sirius does as he's told and James returns to the room, forcing himself to look like it doesn't matter.

"Where's Sirius gone?" Peter asks, glancing around.

"Something to do with Evans," James replies, shrugging his shoulders. He doesn't want to show how concerned he truly is.

* * *

Sirius doesn't return for a few hours. He finds James sitting in his room, a few of Lily's belongings spread across the bed and James sitting in the middle.

"I can't find her. I have no record of her apparating with my contact at the ministry, so I believe she must have jumped into a muggle car."

"Why a muggle car?" James asks.

"Because that's the only explanation," Sirius whispers. "I checked her sister out, she's not there. I checked her parents house, but it's still up for sale, and still empty. I can't find her."

"Maybe she said something to Remus?" James suggests.

"Right. We'll wait for him to come back and ask him," Sirius replies. "Remus and Lily have always been close. Maybe she'll contact him. We'll just have to wait."

"And if we can't find her, that means no-one else can too. So she's most likely safe," James adds.

* * *

"Remus Lupin was supposed to return from his assignment over a week ago," Dumbledore announces, looking around, his eyes landing on the Marauders. "I've asked my sources, but they can't find him."

The other three Marauders stare at him, frozen in panic, all three of them wondering if Remus is even alive. There's very little information from Dumbledore - not even enough to say what Remus was doing, and he moves on to other things, but Sirius can't think of anything else but a missing Remus Lupin. He pictures Remus' expression as he left the house that last time, and Sirius is sure that the worst has come about. Remus has died. Sirius could have stopped him, could have helped him. But he allowed Remus to walk out that night.

As the meeting came to a close, James' arms winds around Sirius. "He's still alive, mate. You know Remus wouldn't let anyone take him without a fight."

"Unless he's given up all pretence of being on our side," Peter mutters. Two furious gazes fall on him.

"He's dead, isn't he?" Sirius whispers, tears on his cheeks. His Remus. His beautiful best friend.

"Lets not assume anything," James replies, but they could all hear the doubt in his voice that Remus was still alive.

Sirius doesn't say anything. A month ago, when Lily first disappeared, James would have been more reassuring and optimistic. But as the weeks pass, James can't see any bright light in anything that's happening. Of course he's assuming the worst. But Sirius can't think anything else.

* * *

Lily finds herself more and more angry towards the end of the pregnancy. She's aware she would have to do this the muggle way. She's extremely stressed, even though the books said to not let herself feel that stress. She can't help it. It should be James here with her, both of them seeing the baby together on the screen. To see their son. Not her and Remus.

And she takes it out on Remus. The mood swings, the food demands. Sulking, shouting, crying.

Remus has never complained once. Lily knows what he's doing for her - she appreciates it and knows that it's not his fault. At least she's not doing this alone. At least she has a friend by her side, if nothing else. They've both given up so much. Both of them having to deal with their own heartbreaks.

Remus is her saviour and one day she'll make it up to him, somehow. She's not sure how she'll manage just yet though.

* * *

It was July when everything started to go wrong.

The baby isn't due until late August, but three weeks early, Lily's waters break, and she was rushed to hospital.

A baby boy is born as the seventh month dies.

Remus has heard about the prophecy, and so has Lily, and for the first time, she was glad to not be back in her old life. She's glad that this didn't happen back at the Order where everyone could sit and talk about her, where people could plan and plot and whoever the spy is could give this information.

Because her son may be one of the children prophesied. He could be hunted by Death Eaters.

But here in the muggle world, there isn't a chance of that.

As the boy was placed into her arms, Remus couldn't see anyone more radiant than Lily at that moment. She was glowing more so than in the pregnancy. She's beautiful.

She is a mother, and he is an Uncle.

* * *

"I'm sorry, there's no trace of him. Not a body, nothing," Dumbledore answers, and James looks at his best friend.

"You look awful," James comments. "Listen, you can't do this to yourself. Remus wouldn't want you to destroy yourself."

"I know," Sirius mumbles. "But I can't. We thought he was the traitor, James. We thought he was spying on us, and he's dead. We could have reached out to him, helped him. We could have talked to him and convinced him that he was in the wrong and tried to help him somehow. We kept putting it off and now look what's happened."

"Maybe the way he acted when he left was that he knew something, and we pushed him so far away, he wasn't able to confide in us," James sighs. "We made it so he couldn't come to us for help if he needed it. If he's dead, it's my fault. I was the one who pushed him away. I was the one who drove Lily away."

"Tomorrow marks a year since we last saw him," Sirius says. He's still holding onto that last thread of hope. No body. Until he sees Remus' body, he won't truly accept that his love is dead and gone.

* * *

"How's my boy?" Remus asks, lifting Harry up as he walked in the door. "Rosie?"

Lily popped her head around the door. "No, no visitors today," she replies. "Rosie?"

"Trying to sound affectionate in case you had people over. Do you hate it?"

Lily nods, amused. "Just stick with John and Rose... unless you want to be Johnny?"

He pulls a face, and shakes his head.

"I was thinking... we could get a babysitter in tomorrow night? My mum said she'd do it?"

"Tomorrow is a year," Lily replies quietly.

"I know," Remus says, with a sigh. "But we both know now that if we had stuck around, Harry would have been on You-Know-Who's list too."

"So we're celebrating losing the men we love?" She takes in Remus' expression. "It's a little late to be shocked that I know about your feelings for Sirius Black. I've always known."

"Enough about that, have you decided what to do with the money?"

"I was thinking that instead of all these jobs you have, how about we open our own shop. Nothing big, just to keep the money coming in."

* * *

"The Longbottoms are dead," James mutters. "They are dead."

"I know, we've known for a week."

"I can't believe Pete..."

"At least that explains Remus. Who put the doubts into our heads about Remus? Who made us think that Remus was betraying us and it was Pete the whole time? He probably got Remus killed, so we'd stop being careful, thinking the spy was gone."

James pours them both another glass of firewhiskey.

"To two years without the most important people in our lives," he said, knocking the glass back, and Sirius does the same. He starts to fill Sirius' glass again.

"Another one?"

Sirius shakes his head. "No, I've got a date tonight," he says.

"What? Who with?"

"Some guy I met in the muggle world," Sirius replies. "We're going for dinner."

"Why?"

"I'm trying to move on," Sirius tells him. "It's about time I move on. I need to at least try. I can't go through life wondering what happened. It's been two years, and I can't spend my life mourning him. I'll always remember him and the good times, but he's dead, James. He's dead and gone. What other reason would he have for not coming back?"

James puts his arms around Sirius, as the other man sobs into his shoulder. Before they found out Remus was missing, James could have counted the amount of times Sirius had cried on one hand. Now he cries every few days. It had been constantly, a couple of years ago.

James knew he wasn't over it, the same way that James still felt the agonising pain of losing Lily.

* * *

**Author's Note:**

> **Reviews are appreciated.  
> **
> 
> **[Come and say hi on Tumblr :)](https://neondomino.tumblr.com/)**  
> 


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